I have struggled for over ten years with Intrusive Thought disorder. To be frank, and hopefully encouraging to others who struggle with this, I have disturbing thoughts, constantly. These can come in a variety of forms, but ultimately, they are usually violent, paranoid, sexual, or disturbing. And they all have the same effect. One of feeling dirty, worthless, undeserving of any love, joy, peace, friendship. The line between what thoughts are “true”, or what actions of my will actually occurred, or what my intentions were, have become blurred. I see my past in the most utterly upsetting light. My mind tells me that I actually AM a monster, and I seek out disorders to justify behaviour. I cannot stress to you enough how demonic these thoughts are. Oh Father, how can a man fufill his rightly ordered telos when he feels as though he is deserving of a legal death. What a curious thought though. To know, and even wish to believe (in some sense) that death is the RIGHTFUL, necessary consequence of evil actions of others, while simultaneously not wishing to actually believe it about oneself, or only believe it to be just in some ethereal, metaphysical sense. Is that to reject the aligning of the will with the good, the true, and the beautiful?It is as though I wish to see myself properly as a sinner, but I do not wish to see the sin as quite so bad as this, despite that being the VERY thing that makes the sacrifice of the Holy Cross valuable. It is as though I am doomed to disgust.

 

Even as I write this, those tumultuous thoughts that swirl in my subconscious tell me that everything I touch is so racked with the filthiness of my thoughts, that even a good and holy message would fall upon deaf ears, if delivered from this vessel. Not in the sense of an ear plugged with wax but much rather like true words delivered from a wise King, by a messenger with some grotesque contagion, misunderstood (Or properly understood, which I am convinced is more disturbing) and hated. What leper would be welcomed through the gate? Forgive me Father. Do I not believe you capable of speaking through an imperfect medium? Surely, I see your grace in the least of these, but truly believe it is absent in me. Do these prayers reinforce my own disgust in myself? Are they sin? Is this what Christ meant when we are to regard ourselves as sinners? Is my level of disgust apt?

 

There is a distinguishable difference between disgust and guilt. Do not press me on what it is, but my soul certainly could write you an apt description. I have felt the guilt of rejecting charity, speaking out of turn, or succumbing to the passions, and I can tell you it is altogether quite a different experience from the contempt one feels when one has become convinced they are a monster of the most severe variety. This difference gives me some form of hope. Perhaps it is my mind's way of telling me one is unfounded? 

 

Let me tell you something I ponder on, to much distress. What possible function or purpose could Christ have for allowing the desolation of my soul over this, unless it was reflective of real, purposeful events. Surely he knows the guilt I feel over the daily collection of sins I amass, what possible effect could the addition of sins of which I am not guilty serve? Therefore, I must be guilty. On and on this cycle goes, like the tide, in and out. Except each time the tide rises, I am bound upon the shore, almost drowning over and over again. Are you breaking me down, Father? Are you there?

 

However. Let me approach this from another perspective, before looking at an Orthodox approach to Logismoi. Would I truly desire to NOT be disturbed by these thoughts? We know intrusive thoughts attack us over the things we value most. Those morals that seem so inviolable to your soul that the very idea of having violated them is MORE than guilt. It is terror. It is demonic. But perhaps I should take comfort in the degree they disturb me to? But I’ll be transparent, that idea seems more like attempting to give myself comfort in the face of disturbance, when, if I am honest, the answer seems far more clear to me; that God simply removes the blinds from my eyes about what is true in my past and mind. Oh, but what if he has, and I am guilty, and cannot bear it. Oh Lord, I cannot stand to suffer this much longer.

 

Let me try to confront an Orthodox perspective on my own struggles, almost certainly for my own peace more than yours. Let me consider this quote; “If you keep your inner man full of wicked thoughts, even if you were on Golgotha, even if you were on the Mount of Olives, even if you stood on the memorial rock of the Resurrection, you will be as afar away from receiving Christ into yourself as one who has not even begun to confess Him.” - St. Gregory of Nyssa. But are these thoughts counted among the wicked? They must in the least be disordered, because they bring misery, shame, and horror, and cause me to stumble. But where are they in an act of my will? If we look at something like the 5 steps of Logismoi, (Assault, interaction, consent, defeat, obsession) I cannot seem to locate where interaction becomes consent. It seems almost to go from assault to obsession. But of course!!! Oh how my mind will twist this yet again. If these thoughts are unable to be stopped before they hit consent,(The stage at which logismoi go from thought to sin, according to the Fathers) is that in and of itself an indicator they are TRUE, and therefore only through admission/Confession/legal punishment I can be set free? Because that proposition would make sense of why consent seems unavoidable, inevitable. Not difficult, like turning your head from a beautiful women or rendering upon yourself a strict prayer rule, but UNAVOIDABLE. You would expect this of a thought of a deed committed. But we also know from the modern science of mind, that these thoughts are also exactly what one would expect from a troubled mind (more specifically, a Single Event OCD/Intrusive Thought mind). Oh Lord my God, please grant me clarity. No matter the cost. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.

 

So what effect do these thoughts have in my life? These intrusions serve many functions, but no good purpose. I’m afraid this list will seem quite sterile and make for poor reading, but onward I press. I will feel guilty of harming the most vulnerable, so will avoid work I think puts me in further position to harm, or that will be impacted/lost by those imagined occurrences. I will avoid friendships and relationships on account that the pain of losing them when my past is inevitably discovered is too great. I will clean every last area to compulsion, as though failure to do so meant some sort of sick compulsion to expose others purposely to whatever substance is currently besieging my thoughts. I will give up resisting the passions under the pretense that I am already disgusting, vile, and wicked. To say these effect every last aspect of my life is no understatement. To say these thoughts are anything but fully real to me does them injustice.

 

Intrusive Thoughts. Perhaps I had some false illusion that “getting it off my chest” would offer me some sort of illumination. Perhaps I hope that some soul out there struggling with something similar would be reassured, although I doubt much of what I said would bring calm to their soul, but maybe at the least, company in their misery.

 

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on us. I see no way out of this. Have mercy on me. Give me the strength to see my past with clarity. Hold me responsible for that which I have done, and allow me to let go of what I have not. I understand these feelings are amplified by my brittle faith in you, and my steadfast devotion, mentally, to the approval of man.

 

Psalm 55:1-2 Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught